This blog post is the first in a new series called ‘Something Cool We’ve Learned’. In this series, we’ll be talking about cool new things we’ve come across recently – whether through an online course, a book, an article or something else. We hope that by sharing them, you can learn something cool too.
We came across this lesson in Chris Voss’ book ‘Never Split the Difference’. The book is all about how to negotiate. And as the ex-chief international hostage and kidnapping negotiator for the FBI, Chris really knows what he’s talking about.
The book is full of great insight into what it takes to be a persuasive and effective negotiator, and also applies the lessons learned from front-line hostage negotiations to situations in everyday life that may need negotiating, from business to relationships to home life.
One of the coolest chapters in the book is titled Beware ‘Yes’ – Master ‘No’, and is all about how being given the answer ‘No’ to questions you ask is actually a good thing.
Read on to find out why!
Why ‘No’ is good
As humans, we’re naturally inclined to want people to agree with us, and love hearing people say ‘Yes’ to what we have to say. But Chris argues that for all we love the word ‘Yes’, we can become defensive when we’re the one who is pushed to say ‘Yes’.
He uses the example of telemarketing calls – telemarketers often call and ask you a series of questions for which the answer is always ‘Yes’ (for instance, one question could be ‘Do you like a nice glass of water?’). We get trapped in a conversation where all we can do is agree with the person asking the questions, and instead of engaging us this can leave us feeling defensive and uncomfortable.
Chris highlights that the response ‘Yes’ often doesn’t mean anything. He notes the three different kinds of ‘Yes’ we use:
- Counterfeit: When we say ‘Yes’ without really meaning it, as it is the easiest solution or we want to keep the conversation going.
- Confirmation: A ‘Yes’ that simply answers a question, without any form of commitment.
- Commitment: A ‘Yes’ that is genuine, and leads to positive action.
‘Yes’ is often vague and can be clouded by the context in which it is being used.
‘No’, on the other hand, is clear. ‘No’ signifies something that the person answering the question is unwilling to commit to. It draws a line in the sand, and can be used to take the conversation forward.
Going further with ‘No’
We can go further into the psychology of ‘No’ by exploring how it makes us feel. Chris argues two main points:
- Saying ‘No’ makes us feel safe and secure. By shutting out options we are not comfortable with, we have protected ourselves. This makes us more likely to be open to hearing what the other person has to say.
- Saying ‘No’ makes us feel in control. By drawing this line in the sand, we feel like we have had control over the direction of the conversation.
Autonomy, the power to choose for ourselves, is a massively influential principle for us as people; the more autonomy we have, the more likely we are to engage with whatever we’re doing.
By answering ‘No’ to a question, not only have we provided clarity on our position but we have also secured ourselves against things we want to avoid, and put ourselves in an autonomous position. This makes us more likely to engage with what is being suggested.
How to apply ‘No’
The power of ‘No’ can be applied pretty much anywhere – when trying to convince someone of something, don’t focus so much on getting them to agree with you. Instead allow them to come to their own conclusion by shutting out possible routes with ‘No’. If you construct your questions carefully enough, people are likely to direct themselves to the end goal you are after. This will make them far more likely to agree with what you’re proposing.
Cool stuff, right? We loved learning this, and hope you did too! If you like the above and want to explore it in more detail, we have some good news for you. ‘Never Split the Difference’ is now available for purchase in our marketplace with pyxies! Once you learn on our platform, you’ll be able to purchase this book, and more, without spending any money.
What are pyxies?
At Pyxium, we’re changing what it means to learn online. When you learn online, you create pyxies. Pyxies are units of a virtual currency that can be used to buy things in the Pyxium marketplace, like this book. Check out this blog post that explains what we do in a bit more detail, and register your interest for free to help us test our product offering, and start earning pyxies!
